


with her hand in my hand (with no one afraid)

by plantlesbian



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F, Teen AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:28:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22577812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantlesbian/pseuds/plantlesbian
Summary: "Vanessa’s holding her hand – and Charity’s not naïve enough to think that it’s for any reason other than to help keep her on her feet. She’s not. And besides, she’s not twelve. She’s not the kind of girl to get all flustered because a pretty girl is holding her hand."the teen AU that absolutely no one asked for
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 23
Kudos: 150





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first foray into the vanity fandom so go easy on me - and i've got a bit more of this already written up if anyone ends up enjoying it

“Do you remember Charity Dingle?” Vanessa asks, dropping her massive biology textbook onto the table as she sits down opposite Rhona and Paddy in the cafeteria at lunchtime.

“I recognise the name,” Rhona furrows her brows as she thinks, “Was she that gobby blonde one who left after Year 8?”

“Yeah, that’s the one,” Vanessa confirms.

“She’s Chas’ cousin,” Paddy pipes up, “They lost touch years ago, though. Probably when she moved away.”

“Well, I could’ve sworn I’d seen her when I got on the bus this morning,” Vanessa explains, “she got off at the same stop, walked the same way towards here as well, but I haven’t seen her around since.”

“Why are you bothered anyway?” Rhona asks curiously.

“We were sort of friends back before she disappeared.”

“You what?” Paddy exclaims, “No you weren’t – we were all friends back then, I think we’d have noticed if you’d been friends with _Charity Dingle_.”

“I didn’t say we were the best of friends,” Vanessa scoffs, mildly offended, “We were _friendly_ , though. We sat next to each other in maths and geography for all of Year 7 and 8.”

“So, you think she’s back then?” Rhona asks.

“I don’t know,” Vanessa sighs. “It definitely looked like her, but I can’t be sure unless I get another look.”

*

Charity _is_ back, as it turns out, although she seems to be as elusive as ever.

It takes Vanessa three weeks of catching only fleeting glances of the girl she’s _sure_ now is Charity before she manages to actually speak to her.

Their sixth form college isn’t even that big – only maybe 150 students at most – so she’s not sure how their paths haven’t crossed more. She only manages to speak to her on this particular day because Vanessa’s missed the bus home, and she spots Charity walking further down the street as she watches her bus drive past her.

She knows she looks a little worse for wear, breathless and a little sweaty after her run to the bus stop where she was only betrayed by the bus driver for her efforts, but she jogs a little more to catch up to Charity ahead of her. She might as well walk home too – the next bus isn’t for an hour, and it’ll only take her half an hour to walk. It’s a decent enough day, anyway. 

She practically jogs down the street to catch up with Charity and match her pace.

“Hiya!”

Even Vanessa cringes at how overly-cheerful she sounds. Charity doesn’t even glance her way – maybe she should tone it down a bit, she thinks.

“I don’t know if you’ll remember me,” she tries again, “we sat together sometimes in Year 7 and 8 at Hotten Academy. Geography with Mr. Newton? Maths with Miss Taylor?”

Nothing.

“You used to make me laugh by drawing stupid pictures in all the textbooks. Always had me in stitches, you did.”

Still nothing.

“I’m Vanessa. Vanessa Woodfield?”

“Must be getting me confused with someone else, babe.”

“I’d know you anywhere, Charity.”

“I’m not the girl you’re looking for, alright?” she snaps. “Not anymore.”

Charity picks up her pace, leaving Vanessa behind.

*

Vanessa Woodfield just doesn’t give up without a fight, it appears.

Every which way Charity turns lately, Vanessa seems to be there. She’ll give her her due – she doesn’t take offence easily. For all the snarky insults Charity has thrown her way since Vanessa had chased her down in the street last week, she seems to have brushed every single one of them off like it was nothing.

It’s almost like they’re forming a proper friendship, against Charity’s better judgement. She doesn’t think she’s ever had a friend quite like Vanessa before, actually.

People who are genuinely good and kind don’t come into her life very often – and when they do, they never put in this much effort to _stay_ in it.

But Vanessa, well – she’s different, isn’t she.

Vanessa had wormed her way in slowly, first by tracking Charity down whenever their college schedules matched up enough for them to have the same free periods. Somehow she’d find Charity – no matter where she’d decided to hide herself away that particular day – and settle down near her. She wouldn’t even speak, at first. She’d just sit herself down, pull out her books, and they’d both study in silence.

Eventually, Charity doesn’t even bother finding new places to hide anymore. She’d never admit it, even to herself, but she _hopes_ Vanessa comes to sit with her now, and she misses her calming presence on the rare occasions when she doesn’t.

The first day that Vanessa sits with her for lunch, Charity is surprised. She doesn’t fight it, though.

She finds herself genuinely enjoying herself while she listens to Vanessa babble on and on about something or other – and Vanessa is happy for Charity to talk as little or as much as she likes, which Charity appreciates.

They start sitting together on the bus not so long later. Vanessa’s stop is only five minutes before Charity’s, so they spend almost their entire bus ride together every day. Sometimes they’ll walk together instead, on days that aren’t too rainy or cold. Charity can’t remember ever finding so much comfort in spending this much time with another person. She really is different, this Vanessa Woodfield.

Charity is stunned when Vanessa invites her into her house for the first time – opening up her home to her, introducing her to her mother. She’s much more used to being someone’s dirty little secret – she’s never had anyone who cared enough to introduce her to other important people in their lives, as their friend or otherwise. She’s round at Vanessa’s so often that her house becomes almost like a second home to Charity – impromptu sleepovers seem like the next natural step.

Charity thinks that Vanessa might have become one of the best friends she’s ever had, come to think of it, and she’s not quite sure how that happened.

Rhona and Paddy haven’t held back their true feelings about Vanessa’s blossoming friendship with Charity.

Vanessa had already known they weren’t exactly Charity’s biggest fans, but she _swears_ if she has to listen to one of Rhona’s attempts to convince her that Charity isn’t worth her time or her effort, she thinks she might explode.

“She’s trouble,” Rhona warned, after Vanessa had been telling her how she’d walked with Charity all the way from college down to the pub where she works, and spent the evening studying at the end of the bar, keeping Charity company while she worked her shift. 

Vanessa rolls her eyes at her, “Maybe that’s what I like about her. She’s fun! _It’s_ fun.”

“I don’t see why you’d want anything to do with her, Ness,” Rhona sighs, “She’ll just end up being a bad influence!”

“Yeah, I mean, you must have heard the rumours,” Paddy chips in.

Vanessa is well aware of the rumours. How could she not be?

Vanessa has been present enough times when judgemental idiots at college had hurled cruel insults at Charity, and she’d been there to witness how Charity gives as good as she gets, her tongue just as sharp as her mind.

She’s heard the rumour that Charity had left school at thirteen because she’d had a baby, she’s heard that Charity had been homeless at one point, and that she had been on the game when she was younger, too. Vanessa doesn’t know which of those rumours are be true and which ones aren’t – but she _does_ know that she doesn’t care either way.

“I know who she is _now_. I might not know everything about her past, but why should any of that matter to me?”

Even Rhona had come up short on answering that one.

*

Vanessa is _very_ into all of this festive stuff, as it happens. When December rolls around, Vanessa barely takes a breath in between talking about all the season-specific things they’ll now be able to do at the weekend.

It’s never been Charity’s favourite time of year – or at least, it hasn’t been over recent years – but somehow she found herself agreeing to go along to the Christmas market in Leeds with the rest of them before she even realised what was coming out of her mouth.

Charity’s really not seeing the appeal, to be honest. They’ve spent at least two hours wandering around market stalls, looking at weird little Christmas ornaments, while Vanessa bought herself almost every single sweet treat on offer.

And she’s bloody freezing to boot, even though Vanessa had bought her a hot chocolate earlier to warm her cold hands up a bit. She really should have stayed home, she thinks, as she lets Vanessa pull her along by their joined hands – _when did that happen, anyway?_ – towards a pop-up ice skating rink. They’re all expecting her to cram her feet into some old boots that someone else had their sweaty feet in only five minutes before, and whiz around at speed on a block of ice with a bunch of idiots? Fat chance of that happening.

Except Vanessa’s smile is huge and so, _so_ bright when she passes Charity a pair of boots in her size, and Charity thinks she might do just about anything to keep that smile in its place, so she finds herself putting the stupid boots on anyway.

She’s completely unprepared for just how _bad_ she is at this, though. Vanessa and Rhona seem to be doing just fine – even Paddy is doing better than her. She’s seen him fall over a few times now, but at least he’s not afraid to let go of the sides like Charity is. She’s not in the mood to embarrass herself today, thanks.

She’s leaning up against the sideboards in the corner of the rink, trying to look cool and hoping that it appears to onlookers that she’s just taking a well deserved rest after all her successful skating. Vanessa near enough knocks her through the wall, though, when she comes to a very inelegant stop practically on top of Charity.

“Sorry!” Vanessa grimaces, “I’m alright at the skating part, not so good at the stopping part.”

“I’d argue that’s probably the more important bit, babe.”

She wobbles again, unstable now that she’s not moving, and throws her arms around Charity’s waist to steady herself.

“Aren’t you going to skate properly?” she asks, tilting her head as she looks at Charity.

“I have been.”

“Liar,” Vanessa scoffs. “You’ve been in this corner almost the whole time. You’ve barely moved from the entrance.”

“Yeah, well,” Charity sighs, “I don’t want to fall over, do I?”

Vanessa pushes herself back a little bit from where she’s still leaning against Charity for support, slowly removing her hands from around Charity’s waist and grabbing onto her hands instead.

“Come on,” she says as she gives her hands a gentle tug, winding their fingers together for a more solid grip.

“No, Ness,” Charity says, a clear warning in her tone as she realises she’s being pulled away from the wall with no choice in the matter, “what are you doing?”

“I’m helping you skate,” she says, like it’s the simplest thing in the world.

She gently coaches Charity until she’s got her feet moving the correct way on the ice, skating backwards now as she leads Charity along.

“That’s it, you’ve got it.”

Charity can hear the pride in Vanessa’s voice, and when she looks up from watching her feet, Vanessa is positively beaming, and Charity’s insides warm at the knowledge that she’s the one who put that smile there this time.

Vanessa grip loosens on her hands and Charity panics for a second, before she realises that Vanessa’s not letting go completely – she’s just releasing one hand so they can skate alongside each other now. Charity holds on to her one hand tighter and tries to stamp down that feeling as though her heart’s suddenly too big for her chest.

Vanessa’s holding her hand – and Charity’s not naïve enough to think that it’s for any reason other than to help keep her on her feet. She’s not. And besides, she’s not _twelve_. She’s not the kind of girl to get all flustered because a pretty girl is holding her hand.

Vanessa _is_ a pretty girl, though. Ever since that disastrous relationship Charity had had when she was sixteen – she’d been seeing this boring bloke named Chris, when she’d realised she was far more interested in having a cheeky snog with his sister Zoe than with him – she’s noticed herself acknowledging her attraction to other girls more and more.

Not Vanessa, though. She’s definitely _not_ saying that she’s attracted to Vanessa. Of course she’s not.

She shakes her head as though she can physically expel her ridiculous thoughts right out of her brain.

*

Charity hadn’t wanted to celebrate – she would have preferred her birthday to slip by unacknowledged, only Vanessa had insisted that it deserved to be celebrated.

And well, Charity’s not sure exactly when she started wanting to give Vanessa every single little thing she asks for, but she’s noticed lately that she seems pretty powerless to resist.

So that’s how she’s found herself spending the evening at Chas’ house – Chas had been roped into helping Vanessa plan the party, and therefore been roped into hosting, too. They’ve got the house to themselves and Charity had agreed to pick up some alcohol for them on her way there, given that she’s the first one of them to turn eighteen.

She’s pretty grateful, if she gives herself a second to admit it to herself. It’s nice, actually, having someone who cares enough about her to want her to be celebrated and enjoy herself, even if she knows the others are only here because Vanessa asked them to come. The excuse to have a drink can’t have hurt, either.

She’s not kidding herself – she knows that Vanessa is her only real friend. Most of the people at college can’t stand her, her sharp tongue putting them off even before any of the rumours about her past ever reach their ears. Chas only talks to her because she’s her cousin, and Paddy and Rhona only tolerate her because Vanessa has deemed her a worthwhile friend.

Vanessa is drunk – drunk enough that Charity can slip out of the room without her noticing for at least half an hour or so, she thinks.

Charity is only mildly tipsy, and admittedly she’s feeling a bit mopey and miserable. She knows she won’t be much fun to be around right now, so she slopes off by herself, even if this is technically her own birthday party.

She ends up sitting on the floor out in the porch of Chas’ house, the brown tiles cold against her outstretched legs. She doesn’t bother turning on the light, deciding that the dull streetlights shining through the windows from the street outside are providing more than enough light – she’d rather hide in the dark with her thoughts anyway.

Somehow, even in her drunken state, Vanessa notices she’s gone and finds her too quickly, because _of course_ she does.

“Go back inside, Ness,” she mumbles.

Vanessa ignores her, and plops herself down completely gracelessly onto the tile next to her – _right_ next to her, not a breath of space between the two of them.

She’s cuddly-drunk, almost, Charity thinks, as Vanessa nestles closer still, arms and legs pressed against each other’s as she leans her head against Charity’s shoulder.

Vanessa allows Charity a few more minutes of silence before she starts asking her to talk.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Vanessa asks from her position on Charity’s shoulder.

“Ness,” Charity trails off, “just leave it, yeah? It’s nothing.

“It’s not nothing if it’s making you upset.”

“Well, it’s not worth you worrying about, then,” Charity sighs, “ _I’m_ not worth you worrying about.”  
  
“ _Charity_ ,” Vanessa breathes, “Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

“Why not?” Charity chokes out, “It’s true. I’m not worth _anyone_ worrying about. I always ruin everything I touch; every time I think I might have done something good, I manage to make a right mess of it, or it gets taken away, or it… dies.”

She’s talking too much, way more than she’d like, spurred on by the thought that maybe Vanessa is drunk enough that she won’t remember all, if any, of their conversation.

“Charity,” Vanessa whispers, “you’re a _good_ person.”

Charity looks down at her hands in her lap, scratching at her chipped nail polish.

“You are good, and you deserve nice things – and yeah, maybe you’ve made some mistakes, but we _all_ make mistakes, we all accidentally ruin things sometimes,” Vanessa brings her hand up to rest on Charity’s cheek, turning her head towards her forcing Charity to make eye contact with her so she can drive her point home. “That doesn’t make you a bad person."

Their closeness makes it so that their noses are almost touching and Charity suddenly realises that, _oh_ , Vanessa really is quite beautiful, and maybe she lets her gaze drop to Vanessa’s lips for just a fraction of a second.

Vanessa may be drunk but she _saw_ that, at least she thinks she did, and _oh, god,_ why did her stomach just flip-flop like that and why does she feel all fuzzy inside?

It takes her a second to come back to her senses but Charity backs off a little – Vanessa is drunk after all, and Charity doesn’t want to take advantage of her like that.

And besides, she’s almost certain that Vanessa doesn’t swing that way, even though Charity knows that _she_ does – but then again, she kind of thinks she just heard Vanessa’s breath hitch, and that might be a blush she sees spreading over Vanessa’s cheeks in the dim light.

Maybe Vanessa _would_ be into it, she thinks, although Charity isn’t sure that Vanessa knows that yet either. Charity’s not exactly trying to ruin the best, most stable friendship she’s ever had in her life.

She’s not really looking for a relationship right now, anyway – she’s _not_ – and she doesn’t really think that a casual, friends-with-benefits type of situation would be Vanessa’s kind of thing, and so Charity turns her head away so that Vanessa’s hand drops from her cheek and they go back to sitting together in silence.

Vanessa, for her part, suddenly feels a lot more sober and her mind is _racing_ , but Charity stands up and holds her hand out for Vanessa to grab on to, so she pushes those thoughts back down where they came from and allows Charity to pull her up from the cold floor and lead her back into the living room to join the rest of the party.

*

Charity’s started taking on more shifts at the pub now that she’s old enough to actually serve alcohol instead of just collecting glasses and washing pots.

Somewhere along the line it’s become commonplace for Vanessa to prop up the bar when Charity’s on shift after college. She’ll walk with Charity to The Woolpack, chattering on about something or other the whole way, and then take her designated place on a barstool at the end, biology and chemistry notes all over the place and an endless supply of orange juice coming her way.

Charity would never admit to missing her on days when she doesn’t come, of course, even though those shifts seem to drag on for hours and hours longer than they ever should have, and she can always feel herself getting excessively snappy with her co-workers.

Almost everyone she works with has noticed that Charity’s moods seem to be tied to Vanessa’s presence in The Woolpack and often hope she’ll be there – even though when she _is_ around, all Charity ever does is chat Vanessa up. Not that she’d ever admit to doing such a thing, of course.

*

Vanessa’s birthday is rapidly approaching by the time Charity realises that she wants to repay Vanessa by throwing her her own birthday party.

Vanessa already told her that her mum won’t let her throw parties at her house – but Rhona’s mum will, so Charity goes to her for help with the idea instead.

She knows Vanessa wants to celebrate. She’d mentioned wanting to go to a club now that she’s old enough to get in, but Charity knows Vanessa – pretty well now, she reckons – and she knows that Vanessa won’t want to go on a proper night out without Rhona and even Paddy, and the two of them won’t be old enough to join them for another couple of months yet.

Charity had worried a little bit that Vanessa wouldn’t want just another boring house party – but the look on Vanessa’s face when Rhona had walked her into the living room to see balloons and a massive ‘happy birthday’ banner had quickly relieved Charity of her fears.

And the soft look in her eyes when she looked across the room at Charity after Rhona had said _it was Charity’s idea, actually_ , well – that look had just about made all the stress of party-planning worth it after all.

Vanessa is pretty sloshed, actually, maybe even more so than she was at Charity’s birthday party. Charity is a little worse for wear herself this time, and maybe she can’t help how her mind goes into overdrive when she and Vanessa end up alone together for a little while.

There’s just a few of them at Rhona’s – Vanessa wouldn’t want a big party with a bunch of people she barely knows and definitely doesn’t even like – so it’s just the two of them along with Rhona, Paddy, Chas, and a few bottles of wine and vodka that Charity had bought for them.

Vanessa is practically draped all over Charity on the small couch in Rhona’s living room – she’s almost sitting on top of her, her legs tossed over Charity’s thighs, and somehow Charity has decided to allow both of her hands to fall onto Vanessa’s legs, where her fingers are tracing patterns on the outside of her thighs. One of Vanessa’s arms is flung over the top of the couch, her hand resting near Charity’s shoulder, close enough that she can play with the ends of her hair.

“Are you two coming or what?” they hear Paddy call from the kitchen, where the rest of them have decided to play some kind of drinking game that Charity didn’t care enough about to pay any attention to.

“We’ll be in in a minute!” Vanessa yells back, making absolutely no effort to move from her position.

They can hear Chas saying they should just start the game without them, and neither of them care to protest.

They’re both happy-drunk, giggling between themselves over nothing in particular. Everything’s funny to them in that moment, until Vanessa suddenly sits up, drawing her legs towards her and tucking them under herself, dislodging Charity’s wandering hands.

Charity starts to think that she must have done something wrong, but Vanessa’s still keeping contact, her fingers are still twisting in Charity’s curls, and then she’s wriggling closer and leaning in towards Charity, looking into Charity’s eyes and it looks, to Charity, almost like… a challenge?

Almost as though she’s daring her to do something, daring her to move away or daring her to move closer, Charity isn’t sure, but she’s very abruptly confronted with the one fact that she’s been trying to deny for the past two months – that she really, _really_ wants to kiss Vanessa.

And she can’t help it if her lips part slightly and her tongue flashes out to wet her lips, and she really can’t help it if her eyes fall to Vanessa’s lips once again – just for a second, ever so quickly – only she looks up again to find that Vanessa is looking at _her_ lips, and maybe Charity wasn’t too far off the mark when she wondered if Vanessa might like girls a bit too.

When Charity meets Vanessa’s eyes again, Vanessa blushes hard at the realisation that Charity caught her looking at her lips, even though Charity knows that Vanessa knows she’s guilty of the same thing.

Charity’s just deciding that she should say something, when Vanessa edges slightly closer still, and with her voice barely above a whisper, says, “Kiss me, Charity,” and Charity _does_.

She kisses her, and as soon as they part, Vanessa pulls her right back in, leaning into her even more, wrapping both of her arms around Charity’s neck, fisting a hand into her hair, and _god_ if this isn’t already the best kiss Charity’s ever had.

Vanessa throws a leg over Charity and suddenly she’s perched in Charity’s lap. Charity winds her hands around Vanessa’s waist, tugging her even closer still.

Charity is so glad she’s already sitting down because those tiny little gasps and whimpers coming from Vanessa are making Charity weak at the knees, and Vanessa is sure she’s never been kissed this thoroughly in her entire life.

They kiss, and kiss, and kiss, until they’re startled apart by Rhona calling out to them from the kitchen – something about it not being fair that Charity’s hogging the birthday girl, and that they need to come and join the rest of them in the kitchen _right now_.

Charity’s tempted to yell back that she’s more like _snogging_ the birthday girl, but instead she keeps her big mouth shut for once. She works on slowing her breathing back down instead, and brings her hand up to wipe away a few smudges on Vanessa’s lips where her lipstick has very clearly mixed with Charity’s own.

Chas eyes them curiously as they make their way into the kitchen, Vanessa readjusting her skirt and Charity smoothing out her hair, but decides not to comment – even if she does notice how Charity and Vanessa seem inexplicably drawn to each other for the rest of the night.


	2. Chapter 2

Vanessa doesn’t know what’s got into Rhona this week, but she’s spent so much of her time talking about how Vanessa needs some romance in her life – going on and on about how it’s been _ages_ since Vanessa last went on a date, and constantly bringing up boys that Vanessa couldn’t care less about, telling her that _he’s single now, I bet he’d want to go out with you_ and _come on, Ness, he’s gorgeous!_

Vanessa keeps telling her and telling her that she’s wasting both of their time – she doesn’t want to date right now, she doesn’t _want_ a boyfriend – right now, she means. Of course she _wants_ one, at some point… right?

Vanessa tries not to think too much about how Charity _always_ walks off when Rhona goes off on one of her get-Vanessa-a-boyfriend tangents when she’s around.

If Vanessa didn’t know any better, she might think that Charity’s jealous.

Vanessa does know better, though.

“If I agree to go on _one_ date, can you please just drop it?” Vanessa pleads.

Rhona looks positively thrilled, grinning while nodding vigorously, “I spoke to Daz yesterday, and he’s definitely interested. How does tomorrow sound? I’ll give him your number and get him to call you.”

“Fine,” Vanessa says as she rolls her eyes, folding her arms tightly across her chest, not feeling anywhere near the same level of enthusiasm as her best friend.

*

Vanessa is _bored_ , if she’s honest.

She’s really, truly trying to give poor Daz a chance. He’s a nice enough guy, and he’s not completely unattractive, she supposes.

Their date has been nice enough so far. She can tell he’s made an effort to scrub himself up a bit in preparation, and he’s obviously put a bit of thought behind the night’s activities – he’d taken her out for dinner in a pretty good restaurant, then taken her on a slow stroll down to a bar he knew.

It’s not even one of the cheaper, dingy bars frequented by students who can’t afford anything much fancier, and the glasses of wine he’s been buying for her must have cost him a pretty penny, and Vanessa feels _awful_.

Especially when she can’t even stifle a yawn right as he’s in the middle of telling her some sort of story she can't manage to rustle up any interest in.

He walks her all the way home shortly after, and when Daz leans in to kiss her once they reach Vanessa’s house, she instinctively turns her head just a bit to the side so he ends up kissing her cheek instead.

Vanessa thanks him for a lovely evening before quickly making her way inside.

She can’t help comparing how Daz’s stubble had been scratchy against her cheek with how soft Charity’s skin had been under her own lips and hands.

*

“So, how was it?”  
  
Vanessa’s been dreading this conversation since she’d left Daz at the end of the path on Saturday night.

“It was fine.”

“Just _fine_?” Rhona digs.

“We’re probably not going on a second date.” _Definitely_ , she thinks.

“Well, why not? Bad kisser?” Rhona guesses.

“No! He–” Vanessa sighs, “he only kissed me on the cheek, anyway.”

“How come you’re so disinterested, Ness? This isn’t like you,” the worry in Rhona’s voice fills Vanessa with panic – she’s definitely not ready to have _that_ conversation right now.

“I’m just not looking for anything right now, Rhona.”

Rhona really just _won’t_ let the subject drop and Vanessa can barely hear herself think until she finds herself saying, “It’s not _them_ I want to date, Rhona!”

And then Rhona’s silence is almost deafening as she stares at Vanessa for what feels like an eternity. Vanessa regrets even opening her mouth in the first place when she sees Rhona’s eyes light up and her questioning starts anew.

“So, there _is_ someone you’re interested in, then?” she digs, “Not any of the boys I’ve suggested, but there’s _someone_?”  
  
“No, Rhona,” Vanessa sighs, exasperated, “that’s not what I meant!”

But it’s too late, Rhona’s already calling out her best guesses, listing almost every single boy in their year _and_ in the year below them – and then she suddenly exclaims “Charity!” and Vanessa’s heart _drops_ , because how the hell could Rhona have guessed that?

But when she looks up at Rhona in pure horror, she sees that Charity is heading towards their table. She realises with a deep sigh of relief that Rhona was just calling out to their friend, _not_ actually somehow managing to reveal Vanessa’s innermost secret.

Charity barely has a chance to say hello as she takes a seat next to Vanessa, before Rhona immediately starts filling her in on her latest guessing game.

“Vanessa told me she wants to date _someone_ , and–”

“No, Rhona, I didn’t.”

“–she won’t tell me who it is, and I’ve almost exhausted all the viable options!”

Vanessa can feel Charity’s eyes on her, she’s staring at Vanessa’s side profile while Vanessa looks down into her lap at her own hands, too embarrassed to lift her head and look Charity in the eye in case she sees right through her, as she usually does.

“Well, maybe it’s someone who doesn’t go here,” Charity suggests casually, “There’s hardly anyone around here good enough for our Ness, anyway.”

*

Vanessa’s found her mind wandering more often than not during her classes as of late. She’s never had trouble paying attention in science lessons before – this sort of stuff has always come naturally to her, she’s always just absorbed the information like a sponge.

She’s lost track of the number of times over the last week that her teachers have asked her questions, and she’s found herself floundering over what subject they’re even talking about.

The problem is, she can’t seem to stop thinking about the way Charity’s lips had felt on hers. The way Charity had pulled her closer on her lap, the way Charity’s curls had felt as she’d wound her fingers through them.

Charity’s very much the same, as it happens.

Charity has never been one to pine after someone, always going after what she wants with no hesitation. Except this time, she’s not sure she _should_ go after what she wants. Yes, Vanessa had kissed her – she’d been the one to _ask_ Charity to kiss her, even – and she’d seemed pretty into it at the time, but Charity can’t help but consider the possibility that it didn’t mean anything to Vanessa, that maybe she’d just been someone who was _there_ and up for a dirty snog while no one was looking.

Chas is probably the person who knows her best in the world, aside from Vanessa, so it doesn’t come as much of a surprise to her when Chas asks her what’s on her mind just a few days later. She knows her internal worry has been making her noticeably moodier than usual, even for her.

“Right, lady. Spill,” Chas demands, sliding a cup of tea along the bar towards Charity. She’d joined Charity in working part time at The Woolpack after college, and even Charity can admit that it’s been nice having her around more. It’s been quiet tonight, so Chas has apparently decided that tonight’s the night to interrogate her.

“There’s nothing to spill,” she says flatly.

Chas hums like she knows Charity’s lying. “Does this have anything to do with Vanessa?”

“Why would it have anything to do with her?” Charity scowls.

“Well,” Chas makes a noise that sounds almost like a laugh, “I just thought maybe… what, with the way you two were joined at the hip after your _alone time_ at Rhona’s on Saturday,” she trails off, taking a sip of her own tea, “and the fact that I saw _your_ lipstick was more on _Vanessa’s_ lips than your own… maybe something had happened between you two.”

Chas awaits a snarky response that never comes.

“What if it did?” Charity says eventually, looking down into her mug.

Chas hums in acknowledgement. “Was that the first time?”

Charity nods. “We almost kissed once, I think, a few months ago. But that’s all.”

“Huh,” Chas says, “Didn’t know you liked Vanessa like that.”

Charity scoffs, “I don’t _like_ Vanessa.”

“‘Course you don’t.”

“We only kissed, alright? It’s not like I suddenly want us to be girlfriend and girlfriend.”

“Well, for what it’s worth,” Chas says, wrapping an arm around Charity’s shoulder, “I think you two would make a lovely couple.”

“Shut up, Chas,” Charity rolls her eyes and shrugs her off, ignoring the fact that Chas’ words make her heart feel warm and her stomach flood with butterflies.

“So, that’s it then? Just one kiss and that’s the end of it?”

“Yep,” Charity says, popping the ‘p’.

Except she really, _really_ hopes it’s not. All Charity can think about now is whether or not she’ll ever get the chance to kiss Vanessa like that again.

*

It’s two weeks later that Charity’s wish comes true, and then some.

They never really plan any of their little sleepovers in advance – usually it starts when they walk home together at the end of the day. They’ll reach the point where they usually leave each other and head towards their respective homes, and Vanessa will invite Charity round sometimes, for no reason but to enjoy each other’s company some more.

They’ll get swept up in conversation more often than not – it’ll get late, and dark, and cold, and maybe they’ll talk for so long that Charity’s long missed the last bus home. Vanessa will insist that Charity couldn’t possibly walk home by herself _now_ , even though Charity will argue that she’s walked alone through far sketchier neighbourhoods in the past – she can look after herself, there’s no need for Vanessa to worry.

But Vanessa will insist, telling her it’s fine for her to just stay here again that night – her mum won’t mind, and Vanessa likes the company anyway – and Charity will always, _always_ relent.

So they’ll end up curled up next to each other in Vanessa’s bed – or pressed up back-to-back like they are tonight, miles of space either side of them on the mattress, but still feeling the need to be extra close to each other.

For totally platonic reasons, of course.

Laying there in Vanessa’s dark, silent room, Vanessa is fairly certain that Charity must have fallen asleep by now when she hears a whispered, “Ness?” and Vanessa rolls over so she’s facing Charity, who still has her back turned to Vanessa.

“Yeah?” Vanessa whispers back, and Charity rolls towards her, their faces close as they lay on the same pillow.

Charity doesn’t say anything else, just _looks_ at her, until Vanessa closes the gap between them, sealing her lips to Charity’s.

Charity kisses her back and immediately pulls Vanessa closer, and Vanessa hooks a leg over Charity’s hip under the covers, trying to get closer and closer still, each of them never quite feeling like they’re close enough.

Vanessa may have been fairly drunk when they’d kissed at Vanessa’s birthday party, but they’re both stone cold sober now and Vanessa’s lips still feel as needy as they had the first time.

Charity feels Vanessa’s hands slip under the hem of her borrowed t-shirt, wandering over Charity’s back for a second before gripping onto the t-shirt and tugging it up gently.

“Can I,” Vanessa gasps between kisses, “take this off?”

Charity nods quickly before adding a, “Yeah, Ness,” and moving her arms to make it easier for Vanessa to slip the t-shirt over her head.

Charity barely has time to think before Vanessa’s ripping her own t-shirt over her head and tossing it across the room, and Charity can barely breathe because now they’re pressed skin to skin and _god_ , she’s a little overwhelmed already.

Vanessa starts running her hand up Charity’s side, making her way towards her breasts and Charity really, really wasn’t expecting Vanessa to be this bold, but she continues to surprise her.

It feels like no time at all until Vanessa’s hands trail down to the waistband of the pyjamas Charity borrowed, gentling pinging the elastic against Charity’s stomach, half to tease and half in question.

“Take them off,” Charity breathes onto Vanessa’s lips, doing her best to help Vanessa shuffle the pyjamas down her legs before Charity kicks them off completely.

Vanessa’s wriggled out of her own pyjama shorts before Charity can even blink, and then her fingers are back to teasing at the waist of Charity’s underwear this time, running the tips along the skin just beneath.

Charity’s never been one to relinquish control when it comes to sex, though, and she’s definitely not about to let Vanessa beat her at her own game, so before Vanessa even realises what’s happening, she’s on her back, with Charity poised above her, her hair framing her face as she looks down at a breathless Vanessa.

Vanessa’s quick enough to let Charity take the lead, groaning out a desperate, “Touch me, Charity, please,” and Charity leans down to kiss her again as she slips her fingers down into Vanessa’s underwear, her fingers finding a slick heat, just for her.

Charity bites her lip to hold back a moan, because Vanessa is _so_ wet, and Charity can barely believe that she’s the one here, she’s the one Vanessa let into her home, into her bed, she’s the one getting to touch her like this, and Charity really doesn’t know how she got to be this lucky.

She moves her fingers slowly, experimentally, dipping low down to gather more wetness before trailing back up, circling Vanessa’s clit once, twice, three times, drawing a strangled moan from Vanessa’s throat.

“Charity,” she gasps, “please, I–”

Charity is watching her face, watches as her eyes squeeze closed and she bites her lip sharply, trying to keep any louder noises at bay.

Charity’s fingers travel lower, and lower, finding Vanessa’s entrance and teasing lightly before she asks, “Is this what you want, Ness?” waiting for Vanessa’s strong nod even though Charity already knows the answer to her question.

Gently, gently, she pushes inside, savouring the way she can feel Vanessa clenching around her, adjusting to her fingers.

She starts a slow, steady rhythm, asking, “Is this okay?” right as Vanessa lets out a loud moan which she muffles with her own hand.

“Yes,” she gasps, once she regains control of her vocal chords, “yes, yes, Charity, please don’t stop.”

Charity gradually picks up her pace, bringing Vanessa closer and closer to the edge. She readjusts her position so she can bring her thumb up to cover Vanessa’s clit, the movement driving her fingers _deeper_ and suddenly Vanessa’s back is arching and she’s falling apart beneath her and oh, this might be the most beautiful thing Charity has ever witnessed.

Vanessa whimpers as Charity removes her fingers and she thinks Charity’s about to wipe them on the sheets, but she seems to rethink the idea for a second before she brings her two fingers to her mouth, hungrily sucking them clean.

Vanessa could swear she almost comes again just watching Charity lick _her_ off her fingers, but instead she just pushes Charity down onto the mattress, taking her place atop her before whispering, “My turn,” and descending on Charity’s lips, moaning at the lingering taste of herself on Charity’s tongue.

Vanessa’s hands are confident as they trail down Charity’s body, her right hand sliding into Charity’s underwear with only the slightest hesitancy to show for her inexperience.

Vanessa’s lips are on her neck as her fingers find their place between Charity’s thighs, her fingers circling her clit once, twice, before dipping lower for just a second, bringing them back to circle again, once, twice, before she finally listens to Charity’s bucking hips and dips her fingers inside.

Vanessa thinks for a moment that there’s nothing she’d love more than to keep doing this for the rest of time – her fingers warm and wet inside Charity, watching her hips roll to meet her hand, watching her face as she sinks her teeth into her bottom lip in an attempt to keep herself quiet – until she realises there’s something she wants even _more_.

Charity whimpers in protest as Vanessa withdraws her fingers with no warning, before she starts trailing gentle kisses down over Charity’s chest and stomach.

Charity groans when she realises Vanessa’s intentions, just as Vanessa presses a kiss against Charity’s hipbone before gripping her underwear and pulling them down and off. She hooks one of Charity’s legs over her shoulder, pausing to look up and catch Charity’s eyes.

“Is this okay?” she asks, receiving an enthusiastic _yes_ from Charity, before she hooks her other leg over her shoulder and dives in, running her tongue straight from Charity’s opening right up to her clit, repeating the motion a few times before she latches onto her clit and _sucks_.

Charity almost flies clean off the bed before Vanessa’s forearm comes down to hold her hips in place, and Charity’s hands find their home in Vanessa’s hair as she enthusiastically works her with her tongue.

Charity briefly wonders how Vanessa became the world’s leading expert in Charity’s body in such a short amount of time as she finds herself hurtling towards one of the strongest orgasms of her life thus far.

Vanessa works her through it, her tongue lapping up the excess juices hungrily.

She’s sure Vanessa’s about to stop but then her tongue is on her clit again and, “Oh, okay, keep going, yeah,” she gasps as she finds her next orgasm brewing already.

Charity’s hips are straining hard against Vanessa’s arm when Vanessa takes her by surprise once again by slipping two fingers inside Charity while she redoubles her attention on her clit.

Charity’s sure she’s literally about to implode and then Vanessa’s sucking _hard_ as her fingers _curl_ in just the right way and suddenly Charity’s seeing stars.

She must have been _loud_ too because as she comes back to her senses she realises that Vanessa has her hand pressed over Charity’s mouth.

Charity can only spare the tiniest thought in hope that Vanessa’s mother didn’t hear anything – she can imagine how mortified Vanessa would be, and Charity can picture a very awkward breakfast tomorrow morning – before she’s pulling Vanessa up from between her legs and kissing her hard, feeling exhaustion set in as she feels Vanessa relax against her chest.

*

Charity wakes the following morning to dim morning light creeping in through the slight gap in Vanessa’s dark curtains. She can feel Vanessa snuggled up against her back, legs entwined with hers, her arm laying across Charity’s stomach in a way that feels almost possessive.

Charity can tell by her breathing that she’s definitely still in a deep sleep – she lifts Vanessa’s arm and gently untangles them from each other. She’s gagging for a brew so she decides she’ll get up and make one for herself, and one for and Vanessa.

She borrows Vanessa’s fluffy dressing gown, tying it tightly around her waist just in case she runs into Vanessa’s mum on the way to the kitchen. She’s met Vanessa’s mum a few times now since they came back into each other’s lives, and they get along well enough, but Charity is one hundred percent certain she doesn’t want there to be any lingering signs that she’d been three knuckles deep in her daughter just a few hours prior.

She doesn’t run into her anyway, and a quick glance at the clock in the corner tells her that Vanessa’s mum has left for work already – and that they’re going to be late for college, not that Charity can bring herself to care.

She’s not sure what the events of last night mean for her friendship with Vanessa, but one thing she _is_ sure of is that she wants to keep doing _that_.

Vanessa is just waking up as Charity lets herself back into her bedroom, two cups of tea in hand.

Charity can almost see the second Vanessa’s sleepy brain goes into overdrive, she can see her hand shaking as she reaches out to take her tea from Charity’s hand. She already knows she’s overthinking things, as Vanessa is prone to doing. Charity’s heart sinks just a little when she watches Vanessa sit up to take a sip of her tea, and when the sheet falls down to her waist, Vanessa grabs it, quickly pulling it up to cover her bare chest.

“Bit late to be covering up now, babe,” Charity quips, remembering how Vanessa’s breath had stuttered when Charity had run her tongue through the valley between her breasts in the early hours of this morning.

She watches Vanessa’s cheeks flood pink, even her neck and chest stained with the force of her blush.

“Relax, Ness, it’s fine,” she says, taking a sip of her own tea before setting it down on Vanessa’s nightstand. “We’re going to be late, by the way,” Charity says with a sigh, taking pity on Vanessa and giving her something else to focus on besides _last night_.

*

She’s not avoiding Charity. She’s not.

She just… hasn’t been sitting with Charity at lunchtime lately, and she just hasn’t felt like studying in their usual spot either. It’s a coincidence that the days Vanessa has decided to take the bus are the same days that she’s seen Charity’s already started walking. And it doesn’t mean anything when Vanessa walks home in the pouring rain one afternoon – it’s got absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she knows Charity will be taking the bus that day.

Charity’s not stupid enough to think that it’s got nothing to do with her. Especially when even _Rhona_ asks her about it.

“Ness just said you two haven’t been spending that much time together lately, but I don’t buy it. Did you two have a fight?”

“Not exactly,” Charity sighs.

“Well, did you upset her?”  
  
“Not everything is down to me, you know,” Charity scowls, because of course Rhona would assume that this is Charity’s fault, “Perfect little Vanessa _can_ mess things up all on her own, actually.”

Vanessa eventually graduates to just straight-up leaving a room whenever Charity walks in. It’s clear as day and Charity doesn’t like feeling like she’s being pushed out, but these are Vanessa’s friends she’s hanging out with, anyway, and she’s got no business sitting with them if even Vanessa doesn’t want her there anymore.

The handful of times that Charity does manage to get Vanessa to talk to her, it’s strained and awkward and Charity _hates_ this.

Any tense conversation Charity attempts to coax out of her quickly devolves into an argument, anyway.

“Charity, I’m not- that’s not _me_ ,” Vanessa breathes, exasperated, “I’m not… I’m not _like that_.”

 _I’m not like you_ , is what Charity hears. And she’s never felt ashamed before but somehow Vanessa’s judgement stings a bit more than anyone else’s.

It’s never been like this between her and Ness. Even in the beginning when Charity was still insisting that she didn’t need friends and refusing to let Vanessa in, there was always a deep-rooted comfort between them. Like just being in each other’s presence was enough to bring a sense of peace to both of them.

*

Charity really can’t stand this anymore, she thinks, when she overhears Vanessa asking Rhona if she’s still willing to set her up with someone.

“Maybe Daz deserves another shot,” Vanessa suggests, and even Rhona seems surprised.

Charity thinks she might be sick when she sees Vanessa walk into The Woolpack on Friday night, dressed to the nines with Daz in tow. She _knows_ Vanessa is fully aware that Charity’s working tonight – she works every Friday night, and Vanessa knows her typical schedule by heart.

Her grip tightens so much she almost shatters the pint glass she’s holding as she watches Vanessa lead Daz to a table right in front of the bar, meaning Charity is going to have to look straight at them almost all night.

She’d probably be able to hear most of their conversation anyway, but Vanessa seems to be speaking at twice her normal volume, and Charity knows she’s doing it on purpose.

“Oh, I _love_ a man in uniform,” Vanessa practically shouts.

Even Daz seems to think this is all a bit much – it looks to Charity that he’s more confused than anything else. “What?”

“Well, you want to join the army, don’t you? Bet you’re gonna look… _fit._ ”

She _wants_ Charity to hear her laying it on thick with Daz, trying to prove that she likes him – likes boys, recent activities aside.

Vanessa can barely look Charity in the eye when she comes up to the bar for another round of drinks. At least she seems to know she’s being ridiculous, then.

“Ness, I’m really sorry, babe,” Charity eventually says with a sigh, putting one of the pints down in front of Vanessa on the bar, “This isn’t right. Do you really think that sleeping with him is going to make you forget about… last week?”

Charity knows her voice is low enough that Daz won’t be able to hear her words, but Vanessa just glares at her anyway before taking a glance back at him over her shoulder just to make sure.

“Besides,” Charity continues, “I don’t know what you’re doing with him anyway, because I think you could do better.”

Vanessa scoffs. “Yeah? Like who, then?”

 _Me_ , Charity thinks, before she pushes that traitorous thought right out of her head. “How about _literally_ anyone?” she says instead.

“Shut up, Charity.”

Charity knows it’s the wrong thing to say before she even opens her mouth, but in her defence – because she does actually have one, this time – she’s hurt, and she can’t ever seem to help herself, anyway.

“You don’t have to be scared! You _can_ be gay. It’s fine!”

“I am _not_.”  
  
“Well, you were the other night, one hundred percent. Very good kisser, by the way,” Charity can’t resist, even now.

“You’re loving this, aren’t you? Trying to humiliate me,” Vanessa scoffs like it’s the most ridiculous thing in the world, “I’m on a date with a _man_.”

“Yeah,” Charity nods, “and last week, you were in bed with a woman. _This_ woman.”

She’s not expecting the venom in Vanessa’s voice when she tells Charity exactly where to shove it, before turning on her heel, grabbing an eternally confused Daz by the arm and practically dragging him out of the pub.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> constructive criticism is welcome and very much appreciated


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy quarantine y’all

Vanessa just cannot get into the party spirit, no matter how hard she tries, even though it’s her best friend’s birthday and she really wishes she was having a good time. She’s just not.

Charity didn’t go – she’s not under any illusion that she and Rhona are really friends. She knows that if Rhona didn’t care so much about Vanessa’s feelings, she would never have invited Charity in the first place.

And besides, Vanessa can barely last five minutes in the same room as Charity ever since they’d had sex last month.

Vanessa knows it’s obvious that she’s miserable, even though she’s trying her best to hide it. She’s already brushed off what feels like a thousand questions from Rhona, but when even Paddy starts asking if she’s alright, she quickly fakes feeling sick and decides she should go home early.

It’s only 11, and her house isn’t that far from Rhona’s, so she insists she’ll be fine to walk home by herself – especially since she’s not even drunk. She’s barely had anything all night.

She gets into bed fully clothed when she gets home, and lasts maybe five minutes laying in the dark with her thoughts before she’s picking up the phone and calling Charity, half of her hoping she’s still awake, and the other half hoping she doesn’t answer.

She does.

“Hello?”

Vanessa says nothing.

“Hello?” Charity asks again, “Is someone there?”

“Me,” she finally says after another moment of silence spurred on by the sudden fear that Charity might hang up if she doesn’t speak soon, “Charity, it’s me.”

She pauses again. “I… Can you come over?” she whispers before she can allow herself the time to second-guess her request.

Charity doesn’t say anything for so long that Vanessa thinks she’s gone, thinks she’s blown it, but then, “I’ll be there in 20, yeah?” and relief floods through her.

*

She’s waiting at the front window when Charity arrives at her house exactly twenty-three minutes later – not that she’s counting.

She opens the front door right as Charity gets to it, but quickly finds that she has no idea what she wants to say to her.

Charity only hesitates for a second before she steps into the house.

Vanessa closes the door before she turns back to face Charity, her tongue nipping out to wet her lips as she stands there awkwardly.

She tries to ignore the way her stomach does a somersault when she catches Charity’s gaze on her lips.

“Do you… d’you want a drink, or… something?”

Charity shakes her head, “I’m fine.”

She turns on her heel and heads straight up the stairs towards Vanessa’s bedroom, knowing Vanessa will follow her up. She knows where this is going, knows why Vanessa called her, anyway.

“I’m sorry about… you know. Everything,” Vanessa says, finally, once they’re safe in the confines of Vanessa’s room. “I shouldn’t have treated you like that. That… that wasn’t fair of me.”“You’re right, it wasn’t.”

“Can we just… can we start over?”

Charity takes a step closer to Vanessa, “With which part, exactly?”

She can hear the exact moment that Vanessa’s breathing changes – right around the same moment that her entire body language shifts, and Charity smirks to herself internally.

Charity raises an eyebrow at her when Vanessa moves closer still, almost daring her to make a move. She can hear Vanessa’s breath shake when she lifts her hand and trails her fingers up Charity’s arm, bringing her other hand up to meet it around the back of Charity’s neck.

“You’d better not freak out on me again, Ness,” Charity whispers when their lips are almost, almost touching.

“I won’t,” Vanessa promises, before she kisses Charity hungrily, pulling Charity further into her bedroom and pushing the door closed behind them.

Charity gently lowers Vanessa down onto the bed before dropping to her knees in front of her, and making short work of pulling off Vanessa’s jeans and underwear.

Charity has been daydreaming about doing this to Vanessa ever since the first time they’d slept together a couple of weeks ago, when Vanessa had taken her by surprise and gone down on her with such eagerness.

Vanessa has spent her fair share of time thinking about it too, if she’s being honest, in between all her fretting over what exactly it means if she had sex with a girl and really, really liked it.

She’s already winding her fingers into Charity’s hair in anticipation, her nails scratching gently at the back of Charity’s head.

*

Charity can tell hardly any time has passed when she jolts awake about ten minutes later. She’s warm and comfortable, tucked against Vanessa’s side. She can still feel Vanessa’s heart racing under the hand that’s resting on her chest.

Vanessa has a hand buried in Charity’s hair, her short nails gently scratching against her scalp.

Charity hums in contentedness. “That feels good,” she sighs, snuggling even closer, the pleasant ache between her thighs a lingering reminder of how they’d spent their last hour or so. Charity thinks she could stay like this forever, if Vanessa let her.

“This doesn’t have to mean anything, right?”

Oh. Here we go.

“Not necessarily, no,” Charity sighs deeply.

“I mean, people do this kind of thing all the time, don’t they?”

“I suppose.”

“It doesn’t mean we’re… it doesn’t mean I’m… gay,” Vanessa’s voice drops to a whisper on that final word, as though someone other than Charity might hear her even though they’re alone in her room.

Charity doesn’t even know what to say, for once in her life.

“It’s not like it’s about you,” Vanessa continues, talking more to herself than to Charity. “We were just… both there, and up for it. And drunk.”

Charity scoffs. “Cheers.” Charity decides not to mention the fact that, while they may have been drunk the first time they kissed, neither of them had been anywhere near drunk either of the times they’d fallen into bed together.

She rolls onto her back, putting space between her and Vanessa as they lapse into silence.

“It’s just sex,” Charity says eventually, like it’s not a big deal.

“With a- with a woman,” Vanessa emphasises.

“Yeah, it’s just the same.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Well, it is to me.”

Charity hears Vanessa take a deep breath next to her.

“Ness,” Charity says, waiting for Vanessa to turn her head to look at her. “You know there’s… nothing wrong with it, yeah? Being gay, I mean. Or bi, or whatever.”

“Yeah,” Vanessa says quietly. She looks away from Charity’s eyes, but nods quickly. “Yes, I know that. I just– I’m…”

“You don’t have to rush it, babe,” Charity tries. She knows she’s not always good at saying the right thing at the right moment, but god knows she wants to get this right. “It’s okay to take your time figuring all of this–”

“There’s nothing to figure out, Charity!” Vanessa snaps.

Charity closes her eyes and sighs out of frustration as they fall back into silence. She has to bite her tongue to push down her deep-rooted defensive instinct to snap back at her. She knows that would only make this situation even worse, and Vanessa is doing a pretty fine job of that herself as of late.

“Charity, I don’t want any misunderstandings,” Vanessa’s voice is shaking as she finally speaks again, and Charity’s heard enough of this spiel already. “This was fun, but… well, it’s not like we’re suddenly a couple.”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Charity says as she sits up and throws her legs over the side of the bed, picking up her t-shirt from its place on the floor. “Couple of weeks, I’ll be bored of you.”

She stands, quickly gathering the rest of her clothes, dressing herself while Vanessa just watches her in silence.

Once she’s dressed she looks up at Vanessa, who’s still laying in her bed staring at the ceiling. Charity thinks it’s almost as though she’s trying to pretend that Charity isn’t there at all. “See you next time then, yeah?”

Vanessa chances a look in her direction. “Charity, there won’t be-”

“Yeah, there will,” Charity interrupts. “I’ll see myself out.”

She tosses one final look over her shoulder at Vanessa before she walks out of her bedroom and down the stairs, letting herself out of Vanessa’s house.

*

Charity had been right – there was a next time. And another, and another, and another – until both of them lose count of just how many “next times” there’s been.

Each time, it’s Vanessa who reaches out to Charity to initiate whatever this thing is between them, and Charity – against her better judgement, sometimes – comes willingly.

Vanessa seems… freer when they’re together, Charity thinks. Lighter, almost. In between the awkwardness that comes beforehand, and the inevitable overthinking that comes after, Vanessa always seems to be at ease with herself in the moments when she has her hands tangled in Charity’s curls, or when she’s tracing her fingertips over every inch of Charity’s body, or when she’s pressing kisses to the insides of Charity’s thighs.

(For someone who’s very insistent on the fact that she’s actually not at all attracted to women, Vanessa always seems to jump at the chance to have her head between Charity’s legs as she falls apart under her lips and tongue.)

She still refuses to talk about how she feels or what any of this might mean for her, though. The very few times that Charity has dared to broach the subject, Vanessa has immediately shut down – both verbally and emotionally. Bringing any of that stuff up almost always leads to a swift end to their night together.

The only other thing that’s changed is that Vanessa has finally stopped allowing Rhona to set her up on dates – which, among other things, has meant that Charity hasn’t had to see Daz’s unfortunate face in The Woolpack since that time when Vanessa had brought him there in an attempt to prove to Charity that she’s perfectly heterosexual, thank you very much. So, at least Vanessa isn’t trying to bury her feelings beneath meaningless bunk-ups with mediocre boys anymore. That’s got to count for something, right?

Charity’s okay with this arrangement, she supposes. She’s done the whole friends-with-benefits thing before in the past – she knows she can do this “no strings attached” stuff, no problem. But then again – this is Vanessa, isn’t it.

Everything has always felt different with Vanessa, even before that night when they’d spent hours kissing and touching every inch of each other’s bodies, learning what makes the other come undone beneath their hands.

*

It was Rhona’s idea, this night out. It’s the first time they’ve all had the weekend free since Rhona turned 18, so she’s officially declared it time for a girls’ night out and Charity and Chas hadn’t even dared to argue once Vanessa had joined in on the planning.

Vanessa had been having a fantastic night – she’s been looking forward to this for ages – right up until the moment she’d seen Charity over at the bar, draped all over some bloke. It’s obvious that he’s flirting hard, and Charity looks like she’s into it, too.

It’s not that Vanessa’s surprised at what she’s seeing – it’s not like it’s uncommon for men to flirt with Charity. She’s seen it happen millions of times herself, when creepy middle-aged men at the pub think it’s appropriate to hit on a teenage girl while she’s working and can’t exactly just tell them to shove off.

She’s never really seen Charity flirting back with them, though – nothing beyond a friendly, half-flirty comment from behind the Woolpack’s bar. And why shouldn’t Charity flirt back? She’s beautiful, and single, after all, Vanessa reasons.

She’s not jealous, because it’s not like she has feelings for Charity, or anything.

None of that has any bearing over Vanessa’s decision to drink even more and practically throw herself at the first boy to show her a bit of interest. Vanessa can flirt too, after all.

The tight feeling in Vanessa’s chest only gets worse when she looks for Charity half an hour later, having ditched the boy from earlier when she got bored of flirting with him. Charity hadn’t seen her with him anyway – not that that mattered, of course.

Charity’s with a different bloke this time, with her tongue shoved down his throat. The sight of his hands running all over her body makes Vanessa want to be sick.

*

“Charity, what are you doing?” Chas asks, sliding up next to her once Charity has sent the latest boy packing.

“Is Vanessa watching?” she asks, taking a sip of her drink.

“Yes she is, and so is half the club. Not surprisingly.”

“Shut up, Chas.”

“Why don’t you just go and talk to her instead of trying to make her jealous?” Chas suggests, as though it’s the most logical conclusion to this whole thing. And maybe it is, but Charity’s not just going to admit that to her.

“She doesn’t care. Vanessa’s pulled that lad, anyway,” she rolls her eyes, trying not to think about how nauseating the sight of Vanessa clearly flirting with that him had been.

“She’s not with him anymore, actually.”

“What?” Charity whips her head up, looking around for Vanessa.

“I don’t think you’re going to like this any better though,” Chas adds, her tone somewhat apologetic as she nods her head towards the end of the bar where she’s spotted Vanessa.

Oh.

Vanessa’s caught someone else’s attention now, it seems. A woman. It looks a lot more natural and all, Charity notes, suddenly realising that Vanessa’s flirting had looked staged earlier – performative, almost.

But this… Vanessa’s clearly into it – into her – she’s letting this woman flirt with her, and she’s flirting back. In public.

She watches the woman hold her hand out, and Vanessa takes it, before allowing the woman to lead her out into the middle of the club to dance. Her stomach turns when the woman pulls Vanessa closer to her, placing her arms around Vanessa’s waist while Vanessa’s arms come up to rest around the woman’s shoulders.

Charity slams her drink down on the table behind her and stalking off towards the smoking area, ignoring Chas calling her name behind her.

*

Chas practically shoulder-barges Vanessa’s mystery woman out of the way when she makes her way to talk to Vanessa, with little more than a “Sorry, love, but this is important,” as she wedges her way in between the two of them and drags Vanessa away from the dance floor.

“Chas, what are you doing?” Vanessa exclaims.

“Look, Vanessa,” Chas sighs, “Please, do us all a favour and go and talk to Charity.”

“What? Why?”

“She’s… upset,” Chas says finally. “Just go after her, okay? You should talk to her. She went that way,” Chas says, gesturing over her left shoulder.

Chas can see the concern written all over Vanessa’s face before she rushes off in search of Charity.

*

Charity’s leaning against the brick wall of the building out in the empty smoking area, staring down at her boots. She looks up from the ground when she realises it’s Vanessa who just joined her outside.

“Where’s your girlfriend?” Charity snaps.

“Eh?” Vanessa says, furrowing her brow.

Charity doesn’t elaborate.

“Chas said you stormed off,” Vanessa tries.

“Chas should keep her neb out.”

“Talk to me, Charity.”

And Charity already knew she could never deny Vanessa anything she asks of her, but she really hates that fact right now.

“It’s fine, I just–” she sighs. “I’m fine, Ness. Go back inside, yeah?

Vanessa just looks at her, settling next to Charity against the wall, and waits. She doesn’t need to wait long for Charity to speak again.

“What if I said that seeing you with her made me feel a bit sick and panicky and,” she sighs deeply, “uncharacteristically jealous?”

“You were jealous?” Vanessa asks, “Why?”

“Oh, why do you think, Vanessa?” she snaps back, guilt hitting her instantly when she sees Vanessa’s beautiful little face fall in response to her tone.

“I don’t–”

“I actually care about you a bit, okay?” Charity interrupts, “Quite a bit!”

Vanessa lets out a humourless laugh, “And that’s all, yeah?”

Charity just shrugs in response.

“Charity,” Vanessa pushes.

“I like you, Ness, alright?” she rolls her eyes at her own admission, “I like you a lot.”

Vanessa is sure she’s never seen such a stark display of vulnerability from Charity – she doesn’t really know what to do with it, it’s such a shock to her system.

“What do you want this to mean, Charity? For us?”

“I don’t know, babe!” she sounds equally frustrated with herself as much as she is with Vanessa’s line of questioning. “I want… I want to kiss you, and touch you, and… just hold your hand, even. And I don’t want you flirting with other girls – or boys, or whatever – and letting them dance with you and kiss you and put their hands on you. At the very least, I don’t want to have to see it.”

Charity turns so she’s facing Vanessa straight-on, reaching her hand out to rest on Vanessa’s waist. She waits for Vanessa to come toward her, wanting to make sure she’s coming willingly rather than just following Charity’s lead.

It takes barely a second for Vanessa to step right into her personal space.

That’s a good sign, she thinks.

“I want you, Ness.”

Vanessa makes a noise that’s somewhere close to a whimper that has Charity weak at the knees. She brings her other hand to Vanessa’s waist so she can hold her closer still, pulling her in until they’re breathing the same air.

“Charity…” Vanessa breathes against her lips.

“This doesn’t have to mean anything you don’t want it to, alright?” Charity sighs, “But I will rock your world if you let me.”

Vanessa releases a long, shaky breath as she looks deep into Charity’s eyes. “And… what if I do want it to mean something?”

“Then I think you’d better kiss me, babe.”

And so she does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you all enjoyed this, maybe drop me some feedback if you feel so inclined 
> 
> hope you’re all staying safe


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